Condi Goes NIMSBY! Invests in Flubber Futures.

Originally published 9.2007

That is: Not in My Sunken Backyard!
During her September 27th pep rally with the Climate Change conference, our lame duckienne Secretary of State let us know that she and her President finally agree that climate change is real and not all the fault of those pesky forest fires. She then went on to say in so many words . . . "and somebody really ought to do something about it." Her solution is to have somebody invent something really cool that would make CO2 emissions disappear in a poof of fairy dust. Any day now we should expect The President to shift funds from the already trimmed budget of the National Science Foundation to a Flubber Initiative. If we all huddle around this project like we did the moon landing, we can have a sky full of flying jalopies and some REALLY exciting boys basketball games (Sorry girls, Title Nine has a pretty air tight ductile polymers exemption, and putting Flubber on the end of a field hockey stick would just be stupid.). Experts at the Creation Museum, in Petersburg, KY estimate that by shifting just half of the nation's remaining Model-Ts to Professor Brainard's miracle compound we could put off the flooding of lower Manhattan until 2050 . . . well after the rapture and the destruction of the modern Sodom in a pillar of flames--carbon safe flames, thank you very much--will have taken care of it anyway.

If something goes wrong with Plan A--say Alonzo P. Hawk comes out of cryostasis and succeeds in swiping the prototype--Condi is willing to go with her fail safe. The government would use a Presidential signing statement--which rumor has it has already been written and is presently folded up under the short leg of the Blue Room fregere--to draft Wayne Szalinski, the guy who shrunk his kids, and lock him in the basement of the NSA building until he cobbles together a coal emissions scrubber out of the leftover parts of the Acme Warhead Catapult that the folks at the Strategic Defense Initiative could never get to work and Lynn Cheney's copper colander.

I don't know about you, but I am relieved that the executive branch is finally out there hugging trees with the rest of us. Soon the climate will be safe, the skies will be filled with flying flivers, and Condi, at least in the privacy of the State Department gym, will be able to dunk like Michael Jordan. Compassionate Conservatism is a wonderful thing.