Hooker Futures

In this turbulent marketplace, I feel as though I have no choice. I am advising my students to sell short on the Liberal Arts in favor of a firm position in prostitutes.

Young women traditionally come to me in the early days of the Spring Semester and say "Bigshotprof, I have three and one half semesters of higher education under my belt, but I don't feel as though I am ready to contribute to the global economy. How can I stand out? How can I most effectively display my assets?"

In years past, I would have counseled these women to develop a resume--crisp and clean--highlighting their achievements in academics, activities and work experience. I would have told them to not to lie around waiting for important businessmen or influential politicians to knock on their doors . . . or at least arrange a meeting in a neutral location.

That was before Client #9. That was before a young lady named (variously) Kristen Ashley Alexandra Rae Maika Youmans Dupre showed young women everywhere how to make it in the big city. Now I give them different advice--well not completely different. I leave in the parts about "display my assets" and "under my belt." And why not? Why waste neuron paths on "We hold these truths to be self-evident." and "A sum doesn’t depend on the grouping of its addends." when "It's the way you ride it girl makes the fellaz go ooh" can gross you two hundred grand in the time it takes to get the results back from your chlamydia screen. And no points off for spelling!

With her "can do" "will do for a price" and "ain't much I haven't done" spirit, Ms. Dupre has become the very model of the modern urban feminine success story. Ms. Dupre has shown young women everywhere that it isn't who you know or what you know; it's how you "know" who you know. She has shown young, and spirited women everywhere how to come out on top (and to be sure and charge extra for that).

So to the young women of the class of 2008 I say "Give 'em your all, and use you head!"

Wait . . . I think I accidentally switched those nouns.